Smile: The Diary
by lunartick
Summary: An insight into the diaries of the Shinsengumi members! One chapter for one character. Third chapter, Hijikata Toshizou! Nonyaoi.
1. Okita Souji, demon child

Hello! This is my (potential) multi-chapter story! Umm… I'll start with this experiment okay, which is Okita's diary. Then the next chapter will be someone else's diary; maybe Susumu? Anyway, this chapter is kind of like a warm-up for me, so I'm not too happy about how it turned out… but I hope you like it anyway!

Warning: Chronology has been totally ignored.

This is my first time writing a story in this format, so I'm not too sure how it'll work out (or whether allows it or not). So, if there's something wrong with it, or if you feel I should stick to prose, just write and tell me about it, okay?

Umm… requests are accepted (but not necessarily carried out).

PMK does not belong to me.

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**Smile: The Diary **

**Okita**

**Day One **

One week ago, Kondou-san suddenly came up with the idea that writing a diary might be a good way for the men to deal with all the bloodshed and stuff. Thus, we all have got a brand new diary and a Compulsory Diary Writing Hour, or Complicated Difficult Word Hour, as Harada-san puts it. It's a drag, but the alternative is seppuku, so no one wants to argue.

Anyway, I'm supposed to put all my thoughts in here about the blood and everything… all the killing you know… so um… here goes.

… … … … …

Eh…

Hmm…

The blood…

Eh…

… … … … …

Wow… this is actually harder than I thought it would be… um… ok, here goes.

One, blood smells like a rusting piece of metal stuck in a decaying piece of flesh that has been floating in the sewage for weeks.

Two, bloodstains are near impossible to remove. Um… somewhere along that line is the thought that the Shinsengumi uniform is really, really impractical. When you get blood on it, you wash and wash and wash, and eventually the stain becomes a sort of yellowish, brownish thing. On light blue, that actually comes up as green. Which is why, you can tell who are the older members; their haori tend to be greener. At least Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and Yamanami- san can _bleach_ their white uniforms. I tried bleaching mine once. The end result was something like a nice sky on a nice sunny day; you know… the blue sky with the big, white, almost solid clouds? Yeah… well, Hijikata-san accused me of defiling my Shinsengumi identity. Apparently, being a samurai means your soul is a sword, your identity is your uniform and your physical self is nothingness.

Three, blood feels yucky. I slashed this guy's throat today, and the blood splattered all over me. I know one of those Ladies of Aizu once told Hijikata-san that bathing in blood is supposed to keep you young forever, but honestly, how true can that be? Oh wait… maybe that's why Nagakura-san looks ten and why I have such great skin… and why the Shinsengumi seems to have inexplicably large percentage of good looking guys in its population (according to Ayumu-san at least).

Four, blood is… red.

Ok, I think I'm out of ideas. But how many things can you write about blood? I haven't even used up one sheet of paper yet! And I'm supposed to use the entire book to write about blood? Kondou-san's really pushing it this time…

On the other hand, it is honestly quite therapeutic to rant about the Shinsengumi uniform like this… oh… Harada-san needs help with his spelling. So, I'm off then! Bye!

**Day Two **

Yamanami-san informed me today that the diary isn't supposed to be _all_ about blood. Apparently, it's supposed to be filled with my daily life and stuff. I guess that means Saitou-san's in trouble. As far as I know, his daily life consists of "Wake up, eat, meditate, eat, meditate, eat, go on patrol, bathe and, voila, sleep".

Ok… I got carried away. Anyway, my daily life…

I woke up at six today and went to the well to wash my face. Incidentally, I ran into Yamazaki-san who was washing a wound with water. He must have been really jumpy because when I greeted him, he jumped so hard he ended up at the bottom of the well. I had to fish him out with the bucket. He didn't look too happy about that. I don't know why though; it is rather fun, like playing fishing!

Anyway, breakfast came about six-thirty, and Ayumu-san made tempura! I ate five of those and a whole bowl of rice! Oh… and the miso soup was really good too… and Ayumu-san sneaked me three sweet cakes that she had made specially for me! Yay!

After that, I went to feed Saizou and his family! Saizou got into a fight with his first cousin on his mother's side. His fifth cousin, daughter of his third uncle tried to interfere and ended up with a cut on her snout. I had to patch it up for her. Eventually, the fight stopped when the big Grandmother came and sat on both parties. I had to patch up both Saizou and his first cousin later as well. Right after that, he got into a fight again with his fourth cousin by marriage on his sixth cousin's side… wait… or is it his fourth cousin by marriage on his sixth cousin's ninth son's side… ah… never mind.

Anyway, the pig pen is now one pig less; Saizou is following me everywhere from now on.

Um… anyway, later today, I sneaked a peek at Hijikata's haiku book. He's got a new entry! It reads, "When the wind blows, the pages of my book turn, and stains everything". It was so hilarious! I read it to the Comedian Trio, and they thought it was some kind of a riddle! Until… they saw what I was holding and realized what it was… and ran away…

Eh… after that, I went on patrol! I got into a huge fight with a bunch of drunk ronins. Oh, and that reminds me. I know Yamanami-san told me the diary needn't be _all_ about bloodshed, but just in case…

Blood is sticky and tastes like salt and copper.

Don't ask how I know that.

Anyway, that is kind of my daily life. It's about the same everyday anyway; I really don't see the point of filling an entire book with the same thing. I'll have to ask Yamanami-san about this.

Maybe, I should start writing haiku instead…

**Day Three **

This diary thing is starting to confuse me real bad. Now, Ayumu-san told me that the diary is supposed to be filled only with things that I found interesting… or my thoughts and feelings and secrets. I don't see how that can be beneficial to the Shinsengumi. If one of those shinobi or kunoichi steals our diaries, all our secrets will be known to all the Choshu rebels.

Wait, I just wrote a thought down, didn't I?

Hey, I'm getting good at this.

**Day Four **

I've made several discoveries today. One of them is that it is not really a good idea to fight in a yukata, because your modesty is sure to be compromised. Fortunately, I discovered that not because I was the one wearing the yukata. Unfortunately, I discovered that because _Takeda-san_ was the one wearing the yukata. If he wanted to fight in a yukata, he could at least have the decency to wear a loincloth.

I believe I am scarred for life. There are just some things about your friends that you really don't want to know about.

Anyway, the other thing that I discovered today is that Ayumu-san isn't the best cook in the world. I used to think she was because she could make the PERFECT sweet cake. Apparently, Yamazaki-san can cook better than she can. He makes an IMPOSSIBLE sweet cake.

We found that out because Ayumu-san had to run one of those errands for Hijikata-san today, and so Yamazaki-san had to stand in for her. (It was that or Nagakura-san, and no one wants to consider what could happen should we let the latter cook) We all tried to catch a peek of Yamazaki-san in an apron, but he had locked the kitchen door firmly on us. What a pity… we will just have to try again next time.

And I hope there will be a next time, because his sweet cakes didn't come from Yoshida's Bakery Goods, they came from heaven.

Anyway, I have been assigned to give Harada-san spelling lessons so he can continue doing his Complicated Difficult Word Hour. If he stops, he'll have to commit seppuku. Not that I'm too worried; after all, he did try that once, and he's still doing fine right now.

**Day Five **

I've decided to write a haiku today!

The pigs run around the yard, I bring out my secret stash of candy, and smile.

Hmm… got to work on my rhythm, I think. And maybe start smoking from a pipe…

**Day Six **

Alright… I've just thrown up my lunch so I'm a little weak. I stole Hijikata-san's pipe today and tried smoking. All I can say is, arg, how does that man do it? It only took one inhalation to knock me out. Kondou-san found me and revived me. I'm sorry to say that I repaid that debt by vomiting all over him. And Hijikata-san got scolded for leaving his pipe lying around.

I'll have to find a way to apologise to both of them. Maybe a new packet of tobacco for Hijikata-san…? No. Smoking is obviously such a bad habit; I'll have to find a way to make him kick it.

First thing's first, I've got to go throw up my dinner…

**Day Seven **

****I am much better today! Hijikata-san called me a 'girly guy' because I couldn't handle a little smoke and wine. Apparently, he still remembers the first time I tried drinking sake. To make a really long story really short, I threw up in front of the Commissioner.

I really don't see what the fuss is; at least I didn't throw up_ on_ the Commissioner. Unfortunately, I did throw up on his pet dog. If you ask me, the dog looked and smelt much better after I've showered it with my dinner. It's not that I have anything against animals, in fact, I'm quite fond of that dog; it's just that I think the last time it had a bath was on the day it was born.

Nevertheless, I don't know why not being able to handle a smoke and a drink is a feminine trait. After all, Ayumu-san drinks like Harada-san and I've seen some of the court ladies smoke like a chimney. Perhaps, Hijikata-san was referring to the Hotaru-san kind of 'girls' when he said I was a 'girly guy'.

At least he had the sense to not call me a 'girl'; it would have been very painful for me to tell Tetsu-kun that I had deprived him of his very own demon master.

Anyway, both Commander and Vice-Commander were more or less appeased by my offering. I gave Kondou-san a new brush and Hijikata-san a new hair clip. I'm honestly very proud with the hair-clip. It has such pretty little flowers on it! I always knew that sunflowers went with Hijikata-san! He has the complexion for it! He promised to wear the hair clip the whole of today.

Hey, the Comedian Trio just walked past! Hi! Ha… they just came out from the dojo, I'm sure. I know Hijikata-san is holding training for the men today. Eh… why on earth are they laughing like that for?

**Day Eight **

Oh – My – God. How difficult can it be to spell 'like'? I mean, it's just four letters! L – I – K – E! How hard can that be? Why on earth can't Harada-san spell 'like'? I mean… he's spelt it 'lyke', 'lkei', 'eilk', 'keil' and 'kill', but never as 'like'. Admittedly, the last try showed he had some potential in the area of spelling, but it isn't 'like'!

Todou-san thinks that the fact Harada-san spelt 'like' as 'kill' is indicative of some sort of fundamental psychological problem. He called it the, "Black-Widow Syndrome". I wonder what that means.

Anyway, I've decided to lower Harada-san's level to two-lettered words. I mean, how difficult can it be to spell 'on'?

**Day Nine **

Apparently, very difficult. Harada-san spelt 'on' as 'no', 'oo', 'nn' and (for some reason) 'oni', but not once did he spell 'on' as 'on'.

If it weren't for the fact that this is Harada-san we're talking about, I would think he was doing this deliberately!

At any rate, it has come to such that I have to consciously remind myself to never bring a sword, bokken or anything vaguely katana-like for my lovely tuition lessons with Harada-san. We don't want accidents to happen now, do we?

**Day Ten **

I've been saved! Yamanami-san agreed to take over as Harada-san's tutor! In commemoration of this joyous occasion, I've decided to write another haiku!

The bear lumbers past and knocks into a tree. The saint appears to save his soul. I escape and laugh.

Alright, so admittedly I shouldn't be celebrating Yamanami-san's misery, but I think I shall head down to the candy shop for some Fortune Twists. Oh the irony; and the sweet satisfaction of candy!

**Day Eleven **

I'm tired today. Ran into another bunch of drunken ronin. Unfortunately, this bunch could really fight.

At first, they thought I was a girl. Then they thought I was a girl dressed up as a boy. Then they thought I was a boy dressed up as a girl dressed up as a boy. I'm not sure that was the last conclusion they would have drawn, but I couldn't let them continue now, could I?

Honestly, I swear I didn't mean to pummel them _that_ hard.

One of them is still alive anyway. I volunteered to oversee the torturing of that ronin and Hijikata-san gave me this odd look. Sure, I usually don't do torture duty unless I really have to, but I just want to do my part for the Shinsengumi you know? Anyway, when Hijikata-san found out that they had called me a girl, a girl dressed up as a boy and a boy dressed up as a girl dressed up as a boy, he banned me from going anywhere within ten feet of the torture chamber.

Really, am I that untrustworthy?

Ok, so I beat up more than my fair share of training partners, but that's just… because I'm trying my best to be useful… for the Shinsengumi and Hijikata-san.

No really, I mean it.

Really.

**Day Twelve **

Today was a bright and cheery day, and I've regained my bright and cheery personality! I finally got to play with the kids at the temple! Yay! We played merry-go-round, tag, who's-the-ugly-bastard and sword-fighting (in which I refused to use anything katana-like).

Fun as that was, my good mood was kind of doused when on my way back to headquarters I was forced to barge in on a group of twenty men who were discussing the bombing of the palace. Yet again, I was mistaken for a girl. Suffice to say, all twenty of them suffered miserably.

To make a long story short, tonight, I have to teach Harada-san and Nagakura-san how to put one over Hijikata-san. And I thought I would never have to tutor Harada-san ever again in my entire life! On the other hand, this isn't related to spelling so maybe it wouldn't be that bad after all…

Anyway, I've got to go now. The lesson is in two hours' time and I haven't even made up any of my lessons yet.

**Day Thirteen **

I slept all the way until the evening today, thus conveniently missing morning patrol. Yikes… Hijikata-san's going to murder me… but I haven't seen him around, which is odd. Anyway, apparently people found out I've been teaching Harada-san and Nagakura-san how to put one over Hijikata-san, and now everyone's begging me to teach them. Not that I see any problem with that…

I just hope no one finds out that I've been making up all this lessons. Surely they don't really work…

Anyway, I don't have much to say today because I've slept most of today away. Not to mention, I've got the whole Shinsengumi to teach, so… bye for now.

**Day Fourteen **

Today was a really fun day! I had to take Hijikata-san to see the doctor. When he didn't come home yesterday, Kondou-san made us all go out and search for him. Yamazaki-san found him in a ditch; apparently he had been drinking or something.

That was really silly of him because he's got a cold now and he's delirious. He keeps mumbling something like, "Souji… Souji is everywhere… I'm in hell…"

I don't really understand what was going on and why I should be everywhere. Kondou-san told me that Hijikata-san's probably just having a nightmare. Somehow, I feel I should be insulted. Why am _I_ a nightmare? Sure, I'm a demon's child, but usually I'm friendly and nice to other people.

On the other hand, if I had a dream where Kondou-san's face or Tetsu-kun's face or… Hijikata-san's face was everywhere, I've probably go delirious as well.

Anyway, I finally got Hijikata-san to the clinic. That doctor sure is talkative; he kept asking me why sweet little me was in the Shinsengumi. I had to keep repeating that it was because I am a demon's child. He gave me really strange looks after that; maybe I smiled too much when I said that line.

After a long talk with me, the doctor gave us some sort of medicine that smells like it's been kept at the bottom of a drawer for too long. I hope the doctor isn't a Choshu rebel trying to poison Hijikata-san. Just in case, I've decided to test some on Harada-san. After all, if cutting open his own stomach can't kill him, nothing can. I think I'll sneak some into his supper.

**Day Fifteen **

Today was such an odd day! When I was going on my rounds, people kept pointing and gesturing at me. I mean, sure, people always point and gesture at Shinsengumi members, but this time, some even came straight up to me and patted me on my shoulder, mumbling, "I'm sorry for you, dear boy, I'm so sorry for you." I was even given a wreath of chrysanthemums. Lovely as that was… it got me a little… confused.

Usually, people don't dare to do that to me. I wonder what could have happened.

Oh, and the results on my test subject! Apparently, the medicine isn't poison. The only complains Harada-san had for the food was, "Hey, Ayu-nee! Your veggie tastes a little bitter today. What's up?" Needless to say, that almost earned him a chopper between the eyes.

Tetsu-kun was nice enough to help me force-feed Hijikata-san his medicine. I must say though, the boy takes a rather disturbing pleasure in cramming the spoon down Hijikata-san's throat. Maybe the both of us are more similar than I initially thought. After all, I must admit that force-feeding generally does not require you to punch the subject repeatedly in the ribs…

By the way, my shift has been changed to night patrol. Recently, all our casualties have occurred at night, so Kondou-san's shifting all the stronger patrols to night-shift. The only problem I have with that is that I wouldn't be able to personally attend to the pigs during their morning feeding. Dear god, the sacrifices I make for the Shinsengumi…

But I couldn't refuse poor Kondou-san; especially not after he offered me a whole packet of Kyoto's Famous Cinnamon Drops!

**Day Sixteen **

I'm sorry I didn't start my Difficult Word Hour earlier… but I was too busy rolling on the floor, giggling helplessly. Now I know why everyone's being so nice to me all the time! Somehow, the word has gotten around that I'm Hijikata-san's illegitimate child. Kondou-san sent Yamazaki-san out to find out how these rumours started, and he came back with the results.

Dong! Time for 'Join the Dots'!

Hijikata Toshizou is known as the _demon_ vice-commander.

I introduced myself on several occasions as a _demon's_ child.

The latest time I did that was to a certain doctor down the street.

Get it?

Personally, I found it hilarious that people thought I could be related in anyway to Hijikata-san. Do we even look alike? The only thing similar about us is the fact that both of us are great swordsmen from the Shinsengumi. Me and Hijikata-san related… what a laugh! I don't mind actually; it's kind of fun!

On the other hand, when Hijikata-san wakes up… he's sure to blow it. (Yeah, he's still delirous from the fever.) I hope he doesn't order me to commit seppuku. Hmm… I don't think he will. I've even been able to wriggle out of writing lines, so I don't think I'll have much trouble wriggling out of committing seppuku.

Come to think of it, can you imagine the rumours if it's found out that most of the Shinsengumi members, especially the older ones, think of themselves as demon's children as well?

And Hijikata-san has the reputation of being a rather… eh… busy man, as well.

We should all stop calling him 'Hijikata-san' and start calling him 'Daddy'. Now _that_ would be a really suicidal idea.

Maybe I can convince the Comedian Trio to join me as well.

**Day Seventeen **

Hi! Eh… gee, my handwriting looks terrible. Not that I can help it; I'm currently hiding under the Shinsengumi floorboards. It's not that uncomfortable actually because it's a specially hollowed out space Yamazaki-san made to travel in. He gave me permission to hide there for a while until Hijikata-san cools down.

I knew he would get mad at me for calling him 'Daddy', but I didn't expect him to leap out of bed and come tearing after me with a katana in hand. Based on what I can hear from here, I would probably be hiding out till morning.

This is actually kind of fun! Like hide-and-seek, only more risky. Maybe I should do this more often.

I only hope the Comedian Trio found a suitable hiding place as well.

Eh… apparently not. I can hear them screaming from here. For some reason, Nagakura-san is screaming something that sounds like, "Find a potato! We need a potato! Hurry!"

Hmm… oh, Yamazaki-san's here with my dinner! Got to go now; Ayumu-san made me my favourite rice-cakes again!

Oh wait… Yamazaki-san's just been cornered by Hijikata-san… and now he's being pummeled by Hijikata-san… and now Hijikata-san is approaching my hiding place.

Ah well, time to make use of my nice strong legs and run like the wind.

Wait… not a good example, because the wind doesn't run.

Time to make use of my nice strong legs and run like… Saizou's nose on a cold day.

Yeah, that's a good one, if a little crude.

**Day Eighteen **

First and foremost, I must apologize for getting blood all over you, dear diary. It's not my fault really; Hijikata-san just _had_ to insult me by calling me a 'girl'. He knows I'm highly sensitive to comments that are in reference to the gender that I am _not_.

I must state here that I'm not psychotic; I just have a… tendency to be a little too serious in fights, even friendly ones.

On the other hand, I'm apologizing to a book, so who can say?

Hmm… well, just in case you're wondering, the Comedian Trio and Yamazaki-san made it out okay. The Comedian Trio managed to make it to the kitchen where Ayumu-san waved a chopper in Hijikata-san's face and warned him that should he choose to advance any further, he would run into things worse than potatoes (namely onions, garlic and a recently boiled pot of oil). Yamazaki-san is a little shaken, but he's okay too. Apparently, the lessons I taught him on invoking guilt came into use again.

I must say, I'm a little worried about that shinobi though; someone who has the word 'seppuku' at the tip of his tongue all the time has to have some really serious problems. Too many lonely nights on the roof, perhaps?

Maybe he needs a pet… or a girlfriend? I know! I could probably introduce him to Saizou's eleventh cousin second removed on his third aunt's side. Then Yamazaki-san and I could become related by marriage! Yay!

Oh yeah… and I ran into Ryoma-san during patrol today. Instead of meeting my challenge as usual, he went totally insane in my face, screaming and yelling before running away. That was pretty odd; usually he isn't that… well, 'cowardly' isn't the best word but it's the only one I can think of. I wonder what's wrong with him.

Perhaps he's sick… ah then the next time I see him, I should introduce him to that doctor from Aizu. He's a really nice man; treats both patriots and traitors, I heard.

Well… Ryoma's got until next week before I have to go arrest the doctor. Hmm… maybe I should introduce him to the other doctor down at Kyoto instead. Though… I wouldn't guarantee that doctor wouldn't stick a knife through his heart first…

**Day Nineteen **

I managed to locate Ryoma-san today! He tried to run away, but I cornered him in an alley-way. Really, I have no idea why he was so frightened of me; I kept telling him that I wasn't there to arrest him, just to introduce a doctor to him, but that didn't make him feel better. He was so terrified I was sure he was going to collapse and die or something.

And I couldn't figure out why he didn't want me to come near him. I mean… not that I particularly wanted to _be_ near him, but conversation is a little… strained when the conversationalists are four meters away from each other.

So anyway, I told him that the doctor down the street from the Shinsengumi Headquarters is a really good doctor, and that he should go to that doctor for help because even _I_ could tell he was sick with all the sweating and shivering he was doing.

For some reason, after I told him about the doctor, he kept asking, "Is it what happened last evening? Are you carrying some kind of disease? Did you pass your disease to me when you… ack… you know?"

Really! All I did was talk to him, and we weren't even close to each other. What could I have passed to him when I met him last night? Ryoma-san's getting more and more paranoid. I felt uncomfortable arresting such an instable man, so I chose to let him go. I just stood there and say, "Go on, you can go now" but he wouldn't even budge. When I asked him why, he just said that he wouldn't trust me enough to go within ten feet of me, and I was blocking the alley entrance (which was about a five feet wide).

I'm hurt. I mean, sure, we're on the opposite sides, I know that, but he didn't need to be so mean about it now, did he? We've already fought together before, haven't we? That made us kind of like… samurai-friends, right? I mean… not that I would call him a samurai since he uses a gun, but he does own a sword and all…

Maybe, I should go back and arrest him. I just need to find a way to make him let his guard down enough for me to get within ten feet of him.

**Day Twenty **

Oh dear… I suspect the Shinsengumi is about to fall apart. Hijikata-san just found out about the rumours that I'm his illegitimate son. Needless to say, most of us spent half the time begging Yamazaki-san to loan us all his secret hiding places. The other half of the time was spent hiding out in those secret hiding places.

I am currently squashed in a tiny hole beneath the dojo with Saizou, Hajime-san, Tetsu-kun and Tatsu-kun. Since the hole was originally designed for only one or two people, we are all feeling distinctively uncomfortable.

Fortunately, Tetsu-kun is of a… less advanced size, so he more or less fits on Tatsu-kun's lap, and Hajime-san has a rather extraordinary ability to twist his limbs into the most unnatural position. He tells me it's a skill he learned in yoga classes. I wonder what that means.

I must say though, it is rather disturbing to see Hajime-san's head tucked under his right leg, and his arms winded around his other leg.

Anyway, Hijikata-san is still thundering about above us, screaming something like, "All of you are banned from calling yourselves 'demon's child'! Anyone caught addressing themselves as 'demon's child' will commit seppuku, do you hear me? Do you? From now on, the only kind of animal we are associated with are Wolves! Wolves, you hear me?"

Well… that's all nice and good, but honestly calling yourself a 'wolf's child' is really not as… dramatic as calling yourself a 'demon's child'. Anyway, I think the term 'Wolves of Mibu' doesn't apply to most of us. I protest to being a wolf of any sort. I don't visit Shimbara regularly. And, while Tetsu-kun does visit Shimabara regularly, Todou-san has reassured me that the only inappropriate thing he does is eat more candy than is good for him.

Mm… candy… could do with a nice packet of Five Coloured Peas now. I'm so hungry!

Apparently, I'm not the only one too. The rest of the guys are looking at Saizou with… really weird… looks on their faces. Got to go now… I believe there's a piece of stick here that will do nicely as a make-shift katana.

And I re-iterate again; I am not psychotic; just a little… emotional.

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Eh… for those who didn't understand the comments about the Wolves, in Chinese, perverts are linked to wolves metaphorically. Ha ha…

Anyway, it's review time! Hope you guys enjoyed this fic!


	2. Yamazaki Susumu, confused shinobi

Yay! Second chapter up! This one is Yamazaki Susumu's! Since he appears to be about the same age as Tetsu, I thought his diary should reflect a bit of his immaturity. Um… that's about all I have to say for this chapter, so go ahead and enjoy it!

PMK does not belong to me

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**Susumu **

**Day One **

Today, a task of the greatest importance has been bestowed onto me. Difficult as it may be, I swear on my life to complete this task faithfully and to the fullest of my abilities. Never will I fail Kondou-san, Hijikata-san or the Shinsengumi.

How I will fill an entire diary with everything about blood shed is indeed a rather… intricate problem, but I am confident in my abilities as a shinobi to accomplish this. Though I am afraid I may have to stick to the physical areas about bloodshed, given that I have no emotions whatsoever.

I have no choice but to state that I generally do not see a lot of bloodshed, as my job mainly consists of gathering information. It is a rather safe job to have, as the only dangers I face usually come in the form of other ninja. The general trend in ninja-hood nowadays seem to lean more towards the female side however, given that I barely see any other shinobi other than myself.

However, I digress. The gender ratio of the ninja population in Kyoto does not matter to me whatsoever. All that matters is upholding my vow of loyalty to my master, Hijikata-san, of course.

Back to the issues of bloodshed; I have decided that it is unwise to cram everything about bloodshed into one entry, as there are only so many physical characteristics that bloodshed has.

Thus, my daily observance of bloodshed for today is: Blood is red.

**Day Two **

Today, my sister (who I do not think of as a sister) sneakily asked me if I was starting to take interest in women. I do not know what prompted this discussion about my 'awakening sensibilities' (alternatively known as 'raging hormones'), as she calls it, but I suspect it has something to do with the above entry. I.e. I believe she has been reading my diary. Not that I care; there is nothing personal at all in my diary.

However, for the sake of privacy (which I do appreciate very much), I have decided to hide this diary. I believe the ceiling boards are a very good place to do so, given I am the only one who spends any significant amount of time up there.

The main point I wish to say here is that I have little interest in women. I do, of course, appreciate beautiful women, but given that I myself have extensive knowledge in make-up and clothing, and how they can alter a person's looks, I have become such that I do not believe any woman wearing make-up is truly beautiful underneath. That is not to say I have to see a woman totally naked to judge her beauty. I am not Todou-san.

Needless to say, even if I do find the perfect woman, I would not be able to establish any sort of relationship with her as I am a shinobi, and thus a non-entity.

Daily observation of blood: Blood is wet.

**Day Three **

Apparently, the ceiling boards are not a very good place to hide my diary because today, my sister (who I still do not think of as my sister) came to me and fervently denied ever reading my diary. I should have guessed she frequented the ceiling given how clean and neat those areas are. I think I shall have to find another hiding place.

Or maybe, I could just carry the diary with my all the time. Inconvenient, yes, but potentially the best hiding place I can find. After all, my sister (who I do not love as a sister), while a great kunoichi, cannot possibly search me without my knowledge.

Today, I had a rather unpleasant run-in with the new page. I believe his name is Ichimura Tetsunosuke a.k.a. Tetsu, puppy-kun or puppy-chan; age fifteen; height, a hundred and forty centimeters (a hundred and fifty if you count his hair); weight, forty kilograms; family, elder brother Ichimura Tatsunosuke; habitual routine, non-existent unless you consider his unique ability to be persistently irritating.

As the event is unpleasant and inconsequential, and I have, of course, absolutely no emotional response to it, I believe I can sum it up in just one sentence: Ichimura Tetsunosuke is trying to take over me as a shinobi.

If I had any emotions in me, I believe I would have laughed. After all, being a shinobi requires stealth and silence more than anything; two traits that the page (fortunately) lacks. Thus, his never-ending bickering and boasting does not disturb me in the slightest. However, if he should choose to endanger my mission, I may have to initiate his… sudden and highly mysterious disappearance.

Daily observation of blood: Blood is sticky.

**Day Four **

I am on a mission now, and thus should not be doing anything other than watching the Choshu rebels run around a… certain shop-house. However, since running around a shop-house basically sums up what those Choshu rebels are doing, I have found some spare time to sit on the roof and write in the diary.

However, I must re-iterate that I am not defending myself for not concentrating on the mission. I have absolutely no need to defend myself, as I am still keeping an eye on this particular shop-house. As evidence, I can state that at this moment, two Choshu rebels have just entered the shop-house. One is tall with a high pony-tail, and is wearing a white yukata. The other has a slight build, sports a top-knot and is wearing a green gi and a grey hakama. The latter has a scar running from the lower lid of his right eye to his collar-bone. There; evidence!

… … …

I shouldn't have written that down now, should I?

Not that it matters, because while I have added exclamation marks to the end of my sentences, they are there more as a linguistic tool rather than a show of emotion. I did not have any kind of emotional response to the thought of being accused of slacking off.

And I am _not _slacking off because I am still keeping an eye on the shop-house.

I'm going back to my mission now.

Not that I have ever been away from my mission, of course.

I… don't have to justify myself at all because there is nothing to… whatever.

Daily observation of blood: Blood attracts flies

**Day Five **

My sister (whom I will never think of as my sister) has done it again. Today, she made a remark about me having remarkable multi-tasking skills, and thus hinted that despite the fact that I keep my diary tucked in my yukata all the time, she has somehow managed to sneak a peek into my last entry.

I do not know how she does this, but I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that I leave my diary with my clothes when I go into the bath. This is bad; it seems I cannot leave my diary alone without the fear of my sister (whom I refuse to think of as my sister) peeping into it. I would leave it with Hijikata-san, only I do not feel it is appropriate for me to ask requests of my master.

I may have to resort to begging Okita-san for help, given he is the only person other than Hijikata-san that I trust. On the other hand, while he may keep my sister (who will never ever truly be my sister) from reading my diary, I do not trust him to not read my diary himself.

Whatever the case may be, I believe I shall just have to bear with my sister (who I will never call my sister) sneaking into my diary just for a little while more until I come up with a good defensive plan.

And the humiliation did not end with my sister (who I will never love as a sister) sneaking into my diary. Yesterday, she was sent on kunoichi duty by Hijikata-san, which meant that kitchen duties fell to me.

It was humiliating enough when Okita-san found out I cross-dress during missions (as he does not have the decency to just look embarrass and walk away, but has to try to counsel me and 'understand' me). When they found out I actually cook better than my sister (who I have no sibling attachment to), it got worse. The Comedian… I mean, Harada-san, Nagakura-san and Todou-san had to go around telling everybody that I am a man 'in touch with my feminine side', and thus not such a 'terrible person' after all as 'Souji is one of those as well'.

I do not know where to hide my face. I think that maybe I should commit seppuku.

And if you are going to accuse me of having… _emotions_, my dear sister, I'll have to inform you that embarrassment is _not an emotion_. Everyone knows that.

Daily observation of blood: Blood smells like rot and copper.

**Day Six **

I always knew there would be a downside to my sister (whom I refuse to admit is my sister) reading my diary. Among those that I considered include a loss of privacy and a great amount of teasing. What I had failed to even think of was the fact that she may become paranoid.

Take for example, the events of the afternoon.

I was kneeling in my room, cleaning a dagger. When I held it up to examine the hilt area, which is a magnet for dirt (specifically the kind that takes hours to remove), the door suddenly opened and my sister (who is really not my sister) came in and shot me one of the most disapproving looks I have ever received in my entire life. Following which, she started to accuse me of letting Hijikata-san down by committing seppuku.

It was only out of sheer respect for her abilities as a kunoichi (and not an older sibling) that I did not correct her, Yet, she had the… the _audacity _to continue on with a lecture about how I am a 'shinobi, not a samurai'. I can't believe I was reduced to muttering, "I know, I know that". Does she think I am that stupid?

And I swear I was not cleaning the dagger so I could commit seppuku.

However, I am not angry at all. There is nothing to be angry about, and I _do_ _not _have any emotions at all.

I am merely… disdainful of her… lack of ability to tell that I'm merely cleaning my dagger, and not attempting seppuku. That's right, that's all there is to it!

Daily observations about blood: Blood smells like copper and salt.

**Day Seven **

Today, I experienced a phenomenon that occurs very rarely in one's life, mainly because right after experiencing this phenomenon, most people die. I believe the layman's term for this occurrence is 'a near-death experience'.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning.

Under the orders of Hijikata-san, I was on the roof watching the doings of the people entering and leaving the Sakura Lantern Pleasure House. That is, in the capacity of a Watcher, of course, and not because I am interested in the… _doings_ of those who enter such places. I have absolutely no desire to find out such things unless they directly or indirectly affect the well-being of the Shiinsengumi.

At any rate, I was watching the entrance of the Sakura Lantern Pleasure House when I was attacked by a lone kunoichi. Despite my obvious advantage in size and strength, she appeared to have the upper-hand over me, and I was forced to retreat.

Unfortunately, as I was fleeing… I mean, strategically _retreating _from her, my foot skidded out from under me on the wet tiles, and I fell head-first to the ground.

That was when the near-death experience occurred. As I fell, my life flashed before me, from beginning to end, showing some of the more significant events of my life, like when I first went on a Watcher mission. Despite my inexperience, it was a great success, and the Shinsengumi managed to take down several important figures among the Choshu rebels.

Of course, there were some other less significant events that flashed before my eyes, like the time when I was eight. To sum up my reaction to that event, I can't believe I let my sister (who I will never love as a sister) cut my hair in that style. It made me look like a cross between a jellyfish and a soup bowl.

Ah, the humiliation of having Yamazaki Ayumu as an elder sister.

Though, of course, I have never thought of her as an elder sister.

In any case, the near-death experience was a positively interesting… experience, and I am sure I will remember it for the rest of my life, especially since after experiencing it, I was spared from dying.

And now I have to live with this pain.

Not that I am complaining, because complaining suggests that I am angry at something, and I am not angry because I do not have any emotions.

Daily observation of blood: Blood tastes like copper and salt, according to Okita-san.

**Day Eight **

I know that it is not very… good to talk ill of your comrades, but I think it is about time someone took that… _page_ into hand.

Upon returning from my mission, I was about to proceed to my room to clean up a rather… nasty cut in my chest when that… _thing_ chose to run straight into me, hitting me exactly where I got cut _strategically retreating _from a bunch of rabid kunoichi who had chosen to use me for target practice.

Instead of apologizing like any good page would, that _thing_ just ran away, screaming, "Okita-san is approaching Harada-san's room with a sword in his hand! Someone please volunteer to take over as Harada-san's tuition teacher!"

Now, while it is perfectly alright to be in a panic because one of our captains is about to be murdered brutally by another one of our captains, I do not think that justifies… expanding my wound by almost twice its original length. Besides, an open wound making contact with that miserable excuse of a _page_ is sure to become infected with stupidititis. I shall have to make sure I clean this wound properly.

Then there is that problem with those… _kunoichi_. Now, that is a bunch that has absolutely no regard for any kind of code, bushido, ninja or otherwise. Admittedly, when on a mission, the gender of the opponent does not matter, but that does not mean they should have no qualms about… sitting on me or… touching me… Not that it matters of course, because as a shinobi, I am fully aware that they are merely using psychological warfare on me. Besides, though still in my teens, I am already considered a man, and thus I have a matured outlook on these animalistic antics. I feel no anger or humiliation at their childish actions.

And I am _not_ blushing.

However, I obviously cannot allow them to humiliate the Shinsengumi Watcher Yamazaki Susumu and get away with it. Thus, I shall have to come up with some kind of plan to get back at them…

Wait… footsteps… ah, my sister (whom I do not think of as a sister) is approaching my room. I shall have to hide this diary now… in my yukata? No, she's sure to want to take a look at my wound.

Then I guess I'll just have to sit on it and pray she doesn't make me get up.

Daily observation of blood: Can't be done right now because she's right outside my door already.

**Day Nine **

I knew it. I knew I was going to get stupidititis. It is the only explanation for why I actually chose to take my sister's (who I will never think of as my sister) advice and Okita-san's advice.

Baking brownies for the kunoichi and holding a heart-to-heart session with them? What on earth prompted me to do that?

Sure, it worked. They promised to stop torturing me. But now, they've decided to adopt me as part of their Kyoto Choshu Rebel Kunoichi Sisterhood. In my opinion, I shouldn't be able to qualify for this Sisterhood, given the only part of the criteria I qualify for is the town the group is based at.

Okay, so they swore that the meetings are non-political and that I could wear my Osen-wig when I go for the meetings, but still…

Besides, they want me to attend their weekly slumber parties. According to my sister (whom I do not feel is my sister), a slumber party basically comprises of doing each other's hair and nails, exchanging the latest gossip and sleeping together.

I have no problem with them wanting to do my hair and nails for me, but gossiping? Do they actually expect me to discuss the Shinsengumi matters with them? I think it's a plot to get information about the doings and plans of the Miburo.

And… and… and… sleeping together? Despite the fact that we are all ninjas, a slumber party is _not_ a mission, and thus gender does count. It would be detrimental for the Shinsengumi's reputation if I… I mean… I sleep with… I… I sleep with them.

I know Hijikata-san does it all the time, but that's different; he's a _demon_ vice-commander. He's _expected_ to be evil, immoral and dangerous to the entire female population in Kyoto. I am a shinobi, a non-entity. A non-entity does not… sleep with… other non-entities. The only time sleeping with other… non-entities is justified for a non-entity is when it's on a mission.

Thus this slumber party is dangerous, immoral and against all the codes of bushido and ninja-do.

So what on earth made me agree to go?

Daily observation of blood: Blood is delightful to see, especially when it belongs to certain hormonal kunoichi.

**Day Ten **

It was most unfortunate for Hijikata-san's dear page that he ran into me again today, thus effectively re-opening and expanding my wound at the same time. As I am already infected with stupidititis, I took the time to make him suffer before retreating back to my room to clean the wound.

I know many would disagree with me, but I think the bald patches on his head have added a level of maturity to his person that hours of training in the bushido code could not. Thus, I do not see what he has to complain about; after all, he is the one who hates being treated as a ten year old. At any rate, his hair was too thick and probably full of lice and fleas.

Which would explain why just two minutes ago, I was busy scrubbing my hand at the well.

I wonder how many more diseases that _thing_ could carry.

On the other hand, that is inconsequential and irrelevant, so I do not care.

What is more important is how am I supposed to deal with the slumber party tonight? I can't possibly _not_ go; they could end up resuming their torture of me. Yet I… I… I do not what to do should they ask me to…

But that's okay; I can handle it. I do not need anymore redundant advice from my sister (whom I do not treat as my sister) or Okita-san, though he does give rather… sound advice – when he's not busy tending to his pigs or on a sugar-high.

I shall just have to face this task with the stoicism of a samurai and the coolness of a shinobi. I shall be prepared, with everything necessary to thwart any attempts on my… physical self.

Time to go bake some brownies with sake.

Lots of sake.

Daily observation of blood: Mine is about to be spilled soon.

**Day Eleven **

If I am to judge correctly by the position of the moon, right now should be either very late into Day Ten or very early into Day Eleven. I have decided to take the latter, which explains why I am writing in my diary under the heading of Day Eleven.

Right now, I am currently at the slumber party, which means I am lying on the roof of the latest Choshu hideout. Below me, I can hear the arsonist, Yoshida, conversing with his page on the issues of hiring new kunoichi. I think that is information worth sending to Hijikata-san.

Of course, before I can go back to report to Hijikata-san, I will have to undo the braids those miserable kunoichi had chosen to put into my hair. I knew I should have worn the Osen-wig the whole day long, but it was too hot and scratchy, and thus I foolishly removed it.

The moment those wretched beings saw my hair, they started gushing about how great my hair would look in braids… 'Dreadlocks', they called it. Apparently it is a new fashion trend started by one Sakamoto Ryoma. At any rate, I now look like a cross between a straw hat and a duster.

I'm trying to think positive by treating this… incident as a lesson in stoicism – never remove a part of your disguise because it is uncomfortable.

On the positive side, I do not have to do my daily manicure anymore (a process I go through, only to look convincingly female). These kunoichi have done a good job in shaping my nails, but I am not happy with the fact that they have decided to paint my nails (and my hair) pink. That is not to say I am ever happy, because happiness is an emotion, and I do not have any emotions at all. It is just that, while I understand that pink suits my complexion very well, I will have a lot of trouble washing it out or explaining it to Hijikata-san when I next meet him.

As of it, my information has been incorrect. Throughout this slumber party, there has been no move to gossip at all. No one asked me anything about the plans or doings of the Shinsengumi; all they talked about was this 'cute guy from the Satsuma', the 'bitch he is dating', the newest make-up on the market and the latest kimono prints. In fact, they kept jumping from one subject to the other, making it hard for me to follow the conversation.

Maybe it is a ploy to keep me off balance so I don't realize they are talking in code.

As for the sleeping part, I would breathe a sigh of relief if I was capable of feeling anything like 'relief'. Apparently, when they said 'sleeping together', they meant it in a literal sense. The only physical part about it is that all four of them have decided to use me as a pillow, and one of them has chosen to cuddle with my Osen-wig.

Note to self: Get a new wig.

Second note to self: Get rid of current yukata (which is covered with drool) and buy a new one.

As of it, other than the pink stuff, and the time wasted baking sufficient brownies for all four of them, this slumber party has proceeded relatively well. The need to defend myself did not occur at all, and I saw no call for killing any of them. As such, I believe I can call this event a success.

Now, I shall just have to figure out how to take a nap without either of these miserable wrenches suffocating me.

Daily observation of blood: I was wrong on the last entry; the only blood spilt tonight shall be my sister's (whom I do not think of as my sister), given I can see her peeping at me from the roof across the street.

**Day Twelve **

Alas for me, the wound in my chest has re-opened again. The cause of this re-opening was not that… _thing_ this time, but one of my… _sisters_ from the Sisterhood. When she woke up to discover herself sleeping on a man, she went into what is commonly known as a blushing fit where she turned red from head to toe. Unfortunately for me, this movement of blood to the surface of the skin was accompanied by a coy, ill-aimed push, which effectively re-opened my wound. Their efforts to close the wound only resulted in blood all over my yukata.

I believe now, I have a disease known commonly as the kooties. While I am not sure what that is, I have overheard Ichimura Tatsunosuke telling that…_thing_ that you could get those if you come into close contact with women, specifically one called 'Saya'.

That is irrelevant however, as no matter what disease I get, I will still continue to carry on my job as the Shinsengumi Watcher. I will not let the Shinsengumi, Kondou-san or Hijikata-san down.

Now, if I can just find a way to explain to Hijikata-san why my nails are pink, all would be fine.

I've managed to get rid of the pink in my hair, but the pink on my nails just wouldn't be washed away. Tonight, I may be able to get away with it, as I can wear my gloves and boots... but I couldn't possibly wear them all the time. Horrors of horrors, I may just have to ask my sister (whom I do not think of as my sister) for help.

Or… I could ask Okita-san to teach me how to avoid being tortured and murdered by Hijikata-san – which would explain what I'm doing here, kneeling next to that miserable excuse of a page, Harada-san and Nagakura-san. The only reason why I allow myself this indignity is because I am convinced Okita-san is the only person in the world who knows how to avoid murder by demon.

Do not get me wrong, I am absolutely loyal to Hijikata-san. However, being forced to commit seppuku because I have pink nails is just not the way I intend to die.

Daily observation of blood: Blood is considered the life-force of… life.

**Day Thirteen **

I have decided that Okita-san is entirely deserving of my gratitude. Today, I was sitting on the roof, trying to remove the pink from the nails, and all over me (apparently, those damned kunoichi had painted pink pictures on my back; I only figured out when Saitou-san told me I have a pink shadow floating around behind me). This process thus required me to strip myself to my…

But that is unimportant, what is important was that just at that critical moment, Hijikata-san happened to chance upon me. I believe I would have dropped dead from embarrassment had I not noticed he was at that point in time eating a plate of my sister's (whom I do not love as a sister) famous red-bean mochi.

That is not to say that seeing your superior eating red-bean mochi makes things less embarrassing; it just makes things easier on you, given your superior is bound to be in a good, or in Hijikata-san's case, better mood. Thus, I must confess I took advantage of that fact to try to dispel his anger.

Unfortunately for me, the first thing that came out of my mouth when he demanded to know what I was doing was "Sunbathing, sir". Fortunately, I had Okita-san's brilliant technique to fall back on.

Admittedly, instead of calming down as I expected him to, Hijikata-san ended up running out of the compound, screaming something along the lines of "I'm seeing Souji everywhere". Nonetheless, that does not refute the fact that I was saved from a grisly murder.

Of course, now, I am under Kondou-san's orders to go hunt down Hijikata-san because he has been missing for more than half the day. That is fine by me because I am aware of all of Hijikata-san's usual haunts, as the need to locate him rapidly might arise.

On the other hand, I never did expect to find him in a ditch…

If you are reading this, dear sister (whom I do not treat as a sister), that is _not_ one of Hijikata-san's usual haunts, so please do not accuse him of frequenting such places.

Daily observation of blood: Blood is brown when dry.

**Day Fourteen **

By luck, and Hijikata-san's inability to form a coherent sentence, I have been granted a day off today. While I do not rejoice in leisure, as the only reason for my existence is in being a shinobi, I do appreciate the spare time as it would allow me to get rid of the remaining pink paint that I have failed to get rid of the previous day.

My sister (whom I do not recognize as my sister) presented me with a kind of liquid which proved highly efficient in removing the pink from my nails. While I appreciate that move (as much as a non-entity without emotions can), I wish she would have given the liquid to me earlier, say before I took to scraping the paint off my nails with a dagger.

On a more solemn note, today I noted Okita-san slipping something into Harada-san's supper. When I questioned him about it, he skillfully diverted the question by asking me what Saitou-san had meant when he had told me, "You have a pink aura about you, Yamazaki-kun." While I profess to be a shinobi of some skill, I am, unfortunately, not as well versed in the Art of Distraction of Captain Okita Souji. Thus, I am ashamed to say that I was successfully thrown off topic, and left standing alone on the corridor, muttering obscenities about hormonal kunoichi.

Not that any of the above actions are an emotional response to any sort of comment or question by any of the Shinsengumi captains, of course.

At any rate, this action has led me to suspect that Okita Souji might be plotting to assassinate one Harada Sanosuke. Thus, I found it necessary to investigate the contents of Harada-san's supper, using the Yamazaki Taste Test, a well known shinobi technique passed down through generations, and finally perfected by Yamazaki Ayumu. Much to my surprise, the only foreign substance in Harada-san's supper was a rather small portion of stale herbs, specifically the kind used to cure insanity.

Perhaps then my assessment was wrong, and Okita-san wasn't trying to kill Harada-san, but trying to cure him of his perpetual insanity.

Daily observation of blood: Blood is… liquid. Have I done this one before?

**Day Fifteen **

Something odd is going on today. The Shinsengumi Headquarters kept getting deliveries of chrysanthemums, condolences and pamphlets from the Kyoto Anti-Abuse-of-Cute-Guys Association, specifically, for Okita-san. And that Hotaru kunoichi from Masuya appeared at the doorway, squealing and sobbing something about 'Poor Okita-sama! Why do all the cute men have such tragic pasts?' into my yukata, thus re-opening my wound _again_.

It took three of our strongest men to detach her from my clothes without compromising my modesty or causing any physical damage to her.

To add on to the bewilderment, Okita-san returned from patrol with several wreaths of chrysanthemums, a haori with the shoulders rubbed thin from sympathetic pats and a very confused look on his face.

Needless to say, it didn't take very long for Kondou-san to order me to go and find out what is going on.

Well… 'order' is perhaps, not the best term to use. Hijikata-san _order_s, as in 'Go check out Masuya' or 'Get a new perfume; that one your Osen uses is penetrative enough to flood the whole Shinsengumi Headquarters, giving the Choshu rebels sufficient reason to suspect you are a Shinsengumi Watcher'. Kondou-san, on the other hand, _requests_, as in 'Ah, Yamazaki-kun, it's a lovely day today isn't it? Um… good day for a walk, don't you think? So… um… could you be so nice as to take a walk around and um… find out what's going on with all these flowers and everything? Not that you have to go if you don't want to, but if you're free and Toshi doesn't have anything else for you to do…'

You get my point.

Thus, I am about to don my newest disguise and head out into town to gather information. Unfortunately for me, after discarding my Osen-wig, the only wig I could make at such short notice was one with twin pigtails. As such, my new disguise is a shy teenage girl called… hmm… I suppose something like Yuki is as good a name as any.

**Day Sixteen **

The reputation of the Shinsengumi is in rambles. On the streets, I discovered that apparently someone has started the rumour that Okita Souji is Hijikata Toshizou's illegitimate son. Alas, the tragedy! Hijikata-san has been shamed for life! He will have to commit seppuku, and the Shinsengumi shall collapse without a great leader leading us!

So why on earth did Okita-san and Kondou-san start laughing when I reported this tragic news to them? Can they not see that the end is near?

Well… perhaps not really, given that everyone in Kyoto knows that if your daughter or sister has hung out at any length with Hijikata-san, there is a very large chance that she has been deflowered… probably several times already.

But surely… that does not justify them laughing… or Okita-san running around trying to coax everyone into calling Hijikata-san 'Daddy'. Even my sister (whom I will never, ever think of as a sister) agreed to shelter anyone who gets threatened by Hijikata-san. I know she's serious; she sent that… _thing_ to the market to buy two large sacks of potatoes and two gallons of sunflower oil.

I don't know what I will do with them, really.

Oh… actually, I do.

I will have to defend them from Hijikata-san's wrath should he wake up to them calling him 'Daddy'.

Daily observation of blood: Everyone has blood in them.

**Day Seventeen **

I knew it. I knew it all along. Not that I mean to sound like a snobbish know-it-all, but how difficult can it be to predict that Hijikata-san will come tearing after you with a katana in hand should you choose to call him 'Daddy'?

Admittedly, Hijikata-san's first reaction to being called 'Daddy' by Okita-san, Nagakura-san, Harada-san and Todou-san was, "Oh god, I'm in hell. Just don't tell me who the mother is." It is also arguable that if Okita-san hadn't said, "Yamanami-san is our Mummy", Hijikata-san might not have been enraged enough to leap out of bed and chase after said captain with his katana in hand.

Nonetheless, that does not deny the fact that calling the demon vice-commander 'Daddy' is not a very intelligent thing to do.

This is, of course, proven by the fact that Okita-san is currently hiding in one of my many hiding places beneath the floorboard, and why the other three are hiding in the kitchen under the protection of my traitorous sister (who I will never think of as a sister).

Was.

I mean, Okita-san **was** hiding in one of my many hiding places under the floorboards.

Apparently, Hijikata-san has noticed me trying to sneak a little dinner to Okita-san, by request of my sister (who I do not… ah, you get my point). He's… currently proceeding towards me… and Okita-san is out of his hiding place and running.

I think it is about time I stop writing and try to think of a way to save myself.

Fast.

I meant, try to think of a way to save myself fast.

I'm blabbering nervously.

Not that I am ever nervous, because nervousness is an emotion and I do not have any emotions.

And Hijikata-san's just five feet away.

I guess it's too late to start thinking now.

If that's the case…

My sister (who I will never love as a sister), if you happen to find this diary, take note that the below request is my will.

Burn all my belongings; never will you get your hands on my Kyoto-Ladies' Cosmetic Spring Collection.

**Day Eighteen **

I am fine. Yes, I am fine. Incredible as it may be, I have survived Hijikata-san's wrath with all my body parts intact. Currently, I am still trying to figure out how I managed to pull it off.

Technically, I suppose the element of surprise was on my side; I don't think Hijikata-san has ever seen me behave like… _that_ at all. It must have been the terror at seeing the Demon marching up to me with a katana, because my Yuki persona just slipped in, and I ended up clutching the front of my yukata and whimpering in a squeaky voice about abusive fathers, unloving mothers and cruel siblings, and telling him seppuku is the easy way out for me.

I believe that when Hijikata-san turned away, his eyes were wetter than usual.

Of course, it could have been because he was still feverish and partially delirious.

Unfortunately for my master, he's encounter with the other demon in the Shinsengumi did not... go off so well.

It is a well known fact that once Okita-san goes into 'demon' mode, the only person who can stop him without causing any damage to anything more important than a shinai or bokken is Hijikata-san. And, when the person he is beating up is Hijikata-san, there is no one on earth who can stop him.

The only thing we could do was stand at the sidelines and wait for Okita-san to regain his senses.

Even though Okita-san is generally a rather forgiving man, apparently the humiliation of being addressed as, "You pig-carrying, candy-eating, white yukata-wearing girl" was just a little too much for him, and even after regaining his senses and observing his handiwork, he stubbornly refused to make up for his 'treason against the Shinsengumi' by taking Hijikata-san to the clinic.

Saitou-san was volunteered by Okita-san, but when the third captain kept smiling and mumbling, "There's a dark shadow floating around… yes, floating around Hijikata-san… floating like an eagle hunting it's prey… oh yes…", Kondou-san decided that it would be better if _I_ was the one who accompanied Hijikata-san to the doctor's.

Fortunately for me, when the doctor asked me why I was in the Shinsengumi, I managed to refrain myself from telling him, "Because I am a demon's child". The phrase was at the tip of my tongue, because it gained popularity among the ranks ever since the men from the First Unit witnessed Okita-san throwing it at an enemy before walking off into the darkness among the swirls of sakura leaf petals. It was such an inspiration scene everyone started calling themselves demon's child.

That is, of course, not to say I am the kind of person who follows any fad or fashion that pops out; I just happened to catch sight of that particular scene and… it seemed like a really… cool… I mean… appropriate line to say when questioned about your motives for joining the Miburo.

I also had to make up a story on the spot to explain how Hijikata-san got injured. Telling a gossip the demon vice-commander got beat up by the demon captain is just not good for the reputation of the Shinsengumi. Fortunately, I am rather well-trained in the art of impromptu story-telling, and thus I managed to come up with a credible story.

Let's just say it involves haiku books, potatoes and a sheer drop off a cliff.

Daily observation of blood: Don't let blood dry in your hair unless you own some of the best washing liquid in Kyoto.

**Day Nineteen **

Today, Hijikata-san is even more delirious, if that is even possible, which, of course, means that my life has just taken a turn for the worst.

Anyone who has taken care of Hijikata-san when he is sick would know what I'm talking about. The demon makes the worst patient a doctor or healer has to deal with. He refuses to eat his medicine, refuses to stop smoking, refuses to stop working (even if he is incapable of sitting up), refuses to wear a jacket and refuses to do just about anything the doctor suggests he do.

Unfortunately for us, the only person who can deal with a sick Hijikata-san had decided to take a day off to search for somebody (he did not specify who; the highest bets now go to the new geisha down at the Sakura Lantern Pleasure House, but I think Kondou-san's bet is more accurate: Okita-san is probably looking for more pigs to add to his collection). Thus the task of force-feeding Hijikata-san his medication fell to me and that… _thing_.

This is the first and last time I'm getting into a wrestling match with a man a head and a half taller, and probably two times heavier than I am.

In the end, we managed to get the medicine down his throat, not so much because I was holding him down, but because Hijikata-san was too busy trying to break my spine to realize what he was swallowing wasn't tea.

I never knew Hijikata-san was well-versed in the art of sumo-wrestling until today. His technique and stance are good, much better than his technique and stance for sword-fighting.

Of course, that did not bode well for me, which would explain why I'm doing my Diary Writing Hour lying down on my stomach, with my sister (whom I do not treat as my sister) stepping up and down my back in an effort to relocate it.

That, I can bear with, because extreme pain usually triumphs over pride. But I really do not understand why that… _thing_ has to sit in my room and recite to me the wonderful qualities of one of Saizou's female relations. He tells me it is by order of Okita-san; I suspect he's lying.

But who can tell with the demon captain?

Daily observation of blood: Blood is… named 'blood'…

**Day Twenty **

Well, well, well; it seems that this Yamazaki Susumu is getting quite good at doing his Diary Writing Hour in the strangest of places. My current position is on the top of one of the sakura trees that grace the Shinsengumi compound. Admittedly, there would be much aesthetic value in the picture of a shinobi high up in a sakura tree that is in full bloom. Unfortunately, this shinobi is wearing a pink kimono (without a wig or make-up), and the sakura tree _isn't_ in full bloom, thus the only value this picture has is entertainment value.

As luck would have it, there is no one around to enjoy the sight of a cross-dresser stuck up in a wilting tree, still struggling to write legibly in his diary. That would be because Hijikata-san is currently stomping around the headquarters with his sword, looking like he's ready to murder the first person he chances on. Thus, anyone with any excuse for a brain is currently hiding.

Given that, it would seem ridiculous for me to hide up in a sakura tree in full sight of half of the headquarters, but that cannot be helped. Everyone else has occupied all my hiding places.

Not that my death matters now, anyway; the Shinsengumi is obviously coming to and end.

Oh wait… oh my; Saitou-san, Ichimura (both of them) and Okita-san have all suddenly erupted from one of my hiding places. I do not know what is going on, but Okita-san is waving a floorboard at the other three, who are busy running for their lives.

Or rather, the Ichimura brothers are busy running for their lives, while Saitou-san is busy saying a swift prayer and running for his life.

They are going to get killed; either way, there are going to get killed. Okita-san's coming up from behind, and Hijikata-san is coming towards them.

Oh well, if their deaths manage to pacify both demons and save the Shinsengumi from ruin, then why not?

Daily observation for blood: Blood is… ah hell, who cares about blood when you've got a firsthand view of a very irritating page about to be slaughtered?

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Love it? Hate it? Leave a review to tell me all about it! The next chapter up should be Hijikata's diary!


	3. Hijikata Toshizou, the damned

Hey, hey! This is my third chapter! Mm… I'm not really satisfied with this chapter because it was really difficult to do. Like Umeko said, Hijikata's delirious half the time, so it'll be really difficult for him to do anything…

Anyway, I hope it's still enjoyable… hopefully… ah well, I can just pray and wait!

Warning: Hijikata's language isn't as clean as the previous two.

Disclaimer: PMK does not belong to me – ever.

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**Hijikata Toshizou **

**Day One **

God, what on earth is Kondou thinking? Diaries? Why do we need diaries for? We are the _Shinsengumi_; we have better things to do than write in diaries! Besides, _real man_ don't write in diaries! It's against all the laws of nature for a _real man_ to write in a bloody diary!

Damn, trust Kondou to go enforce this stupid… Diary Writing Hour while I'm off in Osaka.

Who cares about bloodshed anyway? If the men get disturbed by bloodshed, they shouldn't be in the Shinsengumi in the first place. We are the Miburo, the Wolves of Mibu; we _live_ off bloodshed (and not women, as Souji is fond of saying). We are strong, disciplined samurai, not wimps! We can take a little blood! Why do you think the ladies at Shimabara are so fond of us?

Well, admittedly there are some of us who are rather good-looking, like me… but that's not the point. Part of my charisma obviously comes from being a _real_ man, and being able to make tough decisions where people like… Yamanami fail.

Which reminds me, why can't the other leaders of the Shinsengumi be the evil ones for once? I don't want to always be the one Souji frowns at when I say or do or decide cruel stuff.

But that can't be helped; if I wasn't around, the Shinsengumi would probably end up being a charity organization for the defense of pigs rather than a police force.

Defense of pigs… god, the horror…

**Day Two **

Tch, this whole diary rubbish is causing even more trouble than I ever thought possible. Does Kondou really think I have nothing better to do than to waste one hour each day writing in some ugly, two-cent book mass ordered from Kyoto's shabbiest bookstore?

Obviously he _does_.

I tried to convince him that at the very least, _I_ should be spared from this torture given that I already do daily writing in my haiku book, but _no_, he has to take Souji's side and enforce it on me as well.

I gave him one whole list of perfectly sound reasons why I shouldn't have to write a diary, like 'I wake up much later than the average member', but did he listen to me? No! All Souji had to say was, "Oh Hijikata-san, do stop being such a bad sport!" and that was it, I was _trapped_.

Damn, I swear that boy's a curse from my past life or something.

But how on earth could my past life be more terrible than my present?

Should I be expecting worse in my next life?

Oh god… the horror, the horror…

**Day Three **

I have a feeling someone high up is screwing up majestically.

This morning, I woke up bright and early, specifically so I can order Yamazaki to go on a particular mission, which for the sake of secrecy, I will not elaborate on. So, I pulled myself out of bed at the unholy hour of eleven and opened that bloody door - only to see that stupid page there.

That idiot actually had the guts to demand I give him the order! Who does he think he is? Does he think I made him a page just so he can go around being an irritating brat?

Besides, it's obvious that Yamazaki is a far better shinobi than this dog would ever be – he doesn't have the correct facial features to pull off being female.

Anyway, it eventually got sorted out when Yamazaki returned from the toilet, took one look at the idiot and threw him out of the room.

After that, I tried to catch another hour or so of sleep. And just when I was starting to have this really… pleasant dream about a certain second daughter of a certain Lord of Aizu, disaster struck.

Okita Souji entered my room.

Following which, he proceeded to stumble over my head, and wake me up to the sight of his god-awful pig staring down his snout at my eye.

This is the first and last time I am looking up the nostril of a goddamn pig.

But, that wasn't the worst.

The worst, in summary was, he basically _conned_ me into letting him read this bloody diary and then he spent two hours sulking about the previous entry, and refusing to talk to me, and generally making me feel guilty about putting him through so much pain… and just when I've decided to screw pride and apologize, that pig-hugging ass pulled one last trick on me.

In the time it took me to say 'I'm sorry', he managed to drag out of me a promised trip to the park, as much candy as he wanted for a month, the permission to practice ken-jutsu with that page for a week and money to buy the new batch of piglets down at the farm where Nagakura gets his veggies.

And if you're still wondering what I meant by 'someone up there is screwing up majestically', all I can say is you're either very stupid or even worse off than I am. In both cases, you have my _utmost_ sympathy.

**Day Four**

Do I have to make all the decisions around here? Do I? Do I? Kami-sama… I can't believe the Shinsengumi needs _me_ to decide who pulls kitchen duty today because Ayumu is out. This bunch is really helpless without me, aren't they? If I wasn't here, they would probably starve to death arguing over who cooks dinner today.

And just when I thought I should screw them all by assigning Yamazaki to do kitchen duty, that stupid shinobi goes and pulls a god-sent sweet cake out of his hat.

Darn, why don't things ever go _my_ way? I want to get away with pulling evil pranks too!

Then there's that Harada… _that_ Harada… I don't care if he doesn't know how to spell his own name, but by the lords above, how is it possible that he doesn't know how to spell 'Shinsengumi'? It's on display outside the place he bloody _lives_ in! Even if he doesn't know anything else about this wonderful world we live in, the one thing he _has_ to know is how to spell 'Shinsengumi'! He is a freaking Shinsengumi captain for heaven's sake!

I will make him learn… even if it means throwing him to the wolves.

Okita Souji will be his tutor and god save him if he doesn't learn fast enough and Souji's patience runs out…

**Day Five **

Ah, how terribly cruel the world is. When men live out in the bright of day, and the wind and sky are clear and bright, there is no need to choose. However, when darkness closes over, and the skies become overcast, choice is all the more necessary and difficult, for the choice is between two evils, two dangers.

Terrible indeed, for such dark times have descended upon us, and it has become all the more necessary to choose wisely for fear of falling into greater evil.

So… should I go to Shimabara tonight, or visit the very dissatisfied wife of a certain samurai? Dissatisfied, by the way, not with me, but with the… ah… _performance_ of her lord.

Alas, for when a man is of the same mettle as I am, there are all the more flowers to choose from, and all as sweet a rose as the next. Common men would never understand the dilemma faced by people such as myself. And for those who feel that I am misusing my talents to seduce women, all I can say is…

Hmm… this calls for some kind of… words of wisdom.

If god gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Nah, who wants to drink lemonade?

If god gives you… ah, yes. If god gives you shit, make fertilizer.

Now that's a useful thing to make.

Dilemma aside, I must wonder, what was Ayumu doing, sneaking around the bathhouse while her brother was inside bathing? Was she checking to make sure no one was spying on her brother? Perhaps the Yamazaki family have some kind of special technique of bathing that must not be passed on to other people who do not have the fortune (or misfortune) of bearing the Yamazaki name.

Or perhaps, she's spying on her little brother.

Wait… that sounds so wrong.

I do hope those two aren't … no, my mind must _not_ wander there… but what if… no! I will not think much further than that… I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason for why she was sneaking around the bathhouse other than that the two of them are… no! I… she… well, perhaps she's stealing his diary?

Nah, that's stupid; why would she want to steal his diary for? It's not like… maybe, Ayumu's a spy for the Choshu… no, what am I thinking? She's too good a cook to be a Choshu spy…

Gah, I need a smoke… and tea. Now where is that stupid page of mine?

And which lady should I seduce tonight?

**Day Six **

Well now, isn't today a confusing day?

First of all, I was just returning from the house of a certain samurai when Ayumu suddenly _pounced_ on me and dragged me off to the backyard. At first, I thought she had finally given in to some primitive desires she has harbored for me, but I was wrong. Instead, she started blabbering about how I was obviously expecting too much from her little brother, and giving him too much stress, and sending him on too many missions.

It took me forever to make some sense out of what she was saying.

Why would Yamazaki be stressed? He's probably the only person in the Shinsengumi I don't have to be demonic to, because he _does_ his work properly… mostly properly at least. I mean, when he screws up, it isn't because he wasn't trying hard enough.

Not to say that isn't a crime, because screwing up is a crime, but at least he doesn't screw up terribly.

On the other hand, he's still a kid, right? I forget. On the other hand, I sometimes also forget what his real gender is. But that's not the point. Maybe I should have a… oh no, god forbid. The demon of the Shinsengumi is not a counselor. That thought is just so gross… two men sitting side-by-side talking about their innermost feelings? Disgusting! I'll leave this to people who don't mind; like Souji.

And after I finally managed to escape from that rabid woman, I thought I could escape to my room to rest (you have no idea how much stamina dissatisfied women have), but that damn Kondou had to interrupt me. He burst into my room, shouting indignantly about something, flapping his arms and stinking of vomit. At first I thought he was drunk or something, and was this close to suggesting he commit seppuku for acting like a total idiot when he told me that Souji was dying.

For a moment, I thought that Souji had finally been killed in battle, and that it was all my fault since I was the one who shoved that god-damned sword into his hands when he was nine.

So, I rushed to Souji's room, and there he was, lying on his futon, as pale as death. His lips were blue, and his eyes were dull and unfocused. It was around this time, I thought, "Damn. I killed him; I killed Mitsu's brother. Damn. I'm never going to get into her bed ever again, and the Shinsengumi has just lost it's best captain, and by god, that kid's like a son to me, so sue me for confessing it."

Then the poor kid reached out and grasped my hand. I thought he had some last words to say, so I leaned over to listen.

In the end, it was only after agreeing to give him enough allowance for another month's supply of candy and another new batch of piglets, and giving him permission to practice ken-jutsu with a sparring partner for another week did I discover he wasn't dying.

He was just sick from smoking my pipe.

In reflection, how many goddamned times must I fall for his tricks before I actually learn my lesson? I'm letting him get away this time, only because it was my fault for leaving my spare pipe lying around for anyone to smoke.

…

Alright, I'm just trying to save my pride, so sue me.

**Day Seven **

Oh god… the horror… what have I done? Look at these two things dangling at the sides of my head… god, what on earth… no, I refuse to… but I can't… I… no…

When that stupid boy came to me and apologized for earning me a scolding yesterday, I took it all in stride even when he started pouting and sniffling… until he presented me with these… sunflower hair-clips…

Wait a moment.

Goddamned sunflower hair-clips! I'll destroy you, even if it means facing an entire week of Souji's pouting, sniffing, guilt-inducing face!

Shit… one week?

Damn! Calm down, calm down, Toshizou, if only for the sake of your sanity.

Ok… I'm calm… I'm cool… where was I?

Oh yes…

I thought I would save him some face by just accepting them then hiding them somewhere for the rest of eternity; he looked so sincerely guilty, I _felt_ guilty. But that… that… _ass_ had to go and insist I wear those bloody things _the whole of today_! And Kondou was giving me stern looks from behind… and Souji was giving me those bloody puppy eyes of his… and I could only stare at him while he skipped away to feed his god-damned pigs… and…

And I have to hold training for the men today! God, of all days, why today, when I could have hid away in my room and barred the door?

Where can I hide my face? What can I do? _What_?

Alright, I know what I'll do. I'll go through today as calmly and stoically as possible, and in the end, I'll slaughter every single living human being in this headquarters. This way, there will be no one else on this bloody living earth who knows about this… no one… no one…

**Day Eight **

Gah, I survived the humiliation. No one in the dojo dared start laughing, not when _I'm_ the one wearing those bloody sunflower clips, and not when _Souji's_ the one who proudly presented them to me. It pays to have the reputation of being a demon… thank god.

And all the kami up there have better appreciate all my 'thank gods' because they wouldn't be getting much of those from me. That's their fault anyway; they give me so little to thank them about. For example…

Can someone please remind me why I actually took that stupid page in?

Oh yes… he reminded me of Souji.

Now, can someone please remind me exactly what about this page reminds me of Souji?

Oh yes, his stubbornness and inability to stay out of trouble.

Currently, the trouble Ichimura is in now consists of running through my door, tripping over his own feet, and planting his face into my lap. And… oh yes, I am about to murder him. Insignificant, really, compared to the other kinds of trouble he had gotten into before.

But that can wait for later. Right now, I have to go and save Harada from that idiot Souji.

It seems I have underestimated the illiteracy of Harada Sanosuke, because Souji's patience has run out way faster than I thought it would. At any rate, I've better hurry to save his ass before Souji murders him. Gah, why can't anyone remember it's against the Shinsengumi rules to have internal strife…

Oh god, Souji's wielding his _real _sword. Damn, where's my katana when I need it? Someone needs to run to get my katana, but I don't see anyone around who's brave enough to turn their backs on Souji when he's holding a sword. Alright… time to resort to screaming, "Put that down Souji or it's no dinner for you tonight."

**Day Nine **

Arg… kami-sama… the effort it takes to calm that idiot down. I can't believe I was resorted to waving a bag of candy and going, "If you listen to Toshi-nii, you'll get a nice big bag of candy." Gross, I admit, but highly effective. The one thing Souji cannot resist, even in demon mode, is candy. Arg… cancel that out; we can't have the Choshu finding out about his weakness.

Can you imagine someone like Yoshida prancing calmly down the streets of Kyoto, waving a bag of Fortune Twists and saying, "Off you go now Okita Souji, because if you leave us alone to conquer Kyoto, burn the palace and bring the emperor to Choshu then you'll get a nice big bag of candy"?

Oh god, I can actually imagine it happening.

The horror… the horror…

On the other hand, I wonder how many people I've scarred for life with my cooing mother-hen act? Ichimura for one, I know, because he ran out of the room screaming, "The demon's acting like Yamanami-san! The world's coming to an end!"

_He _thinks _Yamanami_ is _nice_? Idiot. He should see Yamanami wield a sword; even _Saitou_ would have to be careful when that idiot's swinging a sword about.

That… _woman_, Ayumu… she came to me _again_ today, and demanded that I give her little brother the birds-and-bees talk. Gah, what the hell is wrong with that woman? If she felt her brother needed the talk, couldn't she give it to him herself? Why do _I_ have to do all the work around here?

Besides, Yamazaki is a _man_ already; he should instinctively know how to go about seducing women. If he doesn't, a trip to Shimabara with the Three Stooges should solve all the problems.

Of course, when I gave these great suggestions to that stupid woman, she had to go crazy on me and wave a chopper in my face. Needless to say, I felt compelled to give in to her.

Not that I was intimidated, of course, it's just that I saw her point when she said, "Susumu's a baby, you idiot! Bring him to Shimabara and the first thing he will do is hide in the ceiling boards and try to plug out all the sounds." After all, Souji's pretty much the same… only he wouldn't hide in the ceiling boards; he would probably curl up in a corner with his pig, a bag of candy, my haiku book, a weird smile and a pair of earplugs.

So, I have summoned the poor boy to my room, and he's due to come about now. The problem is… how should I start the talk?

Maybe with something along the lines of, "When looking for women to seduce, look for married women; they're easier to pick up and easier to drop…"

**Day Ten **

Are there days in the Shinsengumi that are actually normal?

Oh, what a silly question – of course _not_.

First of all, I had to restrain Souji _again_ from murdering Harada. So there I was, straining all the muscles in my body, clinging desperately to the bokken that boy was wielding while everyone just stood around and gaped. Gah, if I wasn't the one who spent so much time training with that boy, I wouldn't have guessed he had so much strength in him.

Anyway, things quickly degenerated into this big wrestling match once the bokken was out of his hands. Those who think Souji goes out of demon mode the moment the sword leaves his hands are pure, unadulterated idiots. That boy moves like a snake – slippery, fast, and very good at lightning quick strikes to the ribs.

So there I was, bruised and battered, but still holding my own. Then Yamanami comes in, takes one look at the scene and says, "If you don't want to tutor Harada-kun, Souji then why don't you let me take over?"

And that was that.

_That _was that.

Souji stopped wrestling with me, stood up, grinned, and gave Yamanami a huge hug before skipping off. The audience broke out into cheers of, "Hurray for the Saint". Harada escaped without a scratch on him.

And me? Me, with the bruised ribs, scratched face, messy hair and bleeding nose? Did anyone even bother to cheer for me? Did anyone even bother to come and see if I'm okay? Did anyone? _No_. Everyone was too busy cheering for that idiot who did nothing more than offer to take on a hopeless case. _I _was left to slowly limp back to my room all by myself with nothing left of me intact. _Nothing._ My pride, my ego, my nose, and all other sensitive areas were totally obliterated.

Okay… not _totally_ obliterated. I'm quite certain some parts of me are still functional, but that does not deny the fact that I feel like I was at the bottom of some heavenly toilet bowl just as some major celestial shit was coming down.

Catching sight of Yamazaki baking brownies in the kitchen and frantically adding enough sake to kill a hundred men didn't do very well for me either.

I hope that isn't going to be our dinner.

And now, here I am in my room, doing my Disgusting Word Hour with my left hand because I sprained my right wrist and… and… and _goddamn_ all pig-hugging, abacus-molesting asses.

**Day Eleven **

Oh god… what have I done to Souji? I have turned him into a demon! (How many times have I started a diary entry with 'oh god' already?)

It was perfectly acceptable for him to go around beating up drunken ronin of course; that's what we do at the Shinsengumi, but when he offered to do torture duty, something he had never done before in his entire life, I knew he had finally sunk one rung lower into the realm of demon-hood.

Trust me, I would know. I'm the original demon after all.

I know he tried to cover it up by claiming that they had insulted him by calling him a guy dressed as a girl dressed as a whatever, but I know that isn't true. He now lives for nothing but blood, killing and candy.

Oh yes… and pigs, definitely pigs.

Alas! Vanished is the innocent little boy I raised with my own two hands! Where is the little sprite who used to run along behind me, pulling at my sleeves and crying, "Toshi-nii! Toshi-nii! Why is the sky blue in the day, and dark at night?" Where is the little brat who would hide in corners and jump at unsuspecting passer-bys (namely me) with a, "Toshi-nii! I found you!"? Where is the little boy who will appear at my room in the middle of the night, clutching his blanket and crying because there's a monster hiding in his closet? He is gone… gone with the winds of the Shinsengumi. He is lost… lost on the slopes of blood and skull.

Oh god… _again_. I… I have to do something about this… I have to… I have to… write a haiku! Haiku! I need a haiku!

So… should I compare Souji to a caterpillar or to a clump of moss?

**Day Twelve **

My soul is called Kikuichi-mongi…! My _soul_ is called Kikuichi-mongi! That blasted, idiotic, stupid, anti-bushido, pig-hugging GIRL! I will murder him, I swear I will! How _dare_ he make fun of all the codes of bushido! Just because your sword is your soul doesn't mean the name of your sword transfers to your soul! I mean, that makes so much sense, doesn't it?

That _idiot_; I can't believe this is the samurai I raised from childhood to… a second childhood. This calls for some disciplinary action, I swear and… why on earth are Harada, Nagakura and Ichimura congregating in Souji's room in the middle of the night?

Well… they could be having a discussion on the virtues of bushido…?

…

_Discussion_ on the virtues of bushido? Harada? _Ichimura? _

…

Stop getting paranoid, Toshizou.

…

I mean it; stop getting paranoid.

…

They're planning something.

I'm going to die.

Or suffer severe hemorrhaging before dying.

Or worse.

Probably worse.

**Day Thirteen **

I'm seeing Souji everywhere! I'm seeing Souji everywhere! I'm seeing Souji every… I've got the hiccups…

This calls for one more drink! One more drink! And, there's a lovely lady here… hi! I'm Hijikata Toshizou! Don't mind the hiccups; usually I'm more suave than this.

Aw… she's leaving! Can't stand seeing… Souji's face… all around… huh? Don't worry; neither can I! Come to think of it, she kind of looks like Souji too. One more drink for the road home!

Ah… that can wait… I've just found a lovely ditch to sleep in…

Hey, Ditch-san! Say hi to Hijikata Toshizou's face.

Don't whine… at least it's _my_ face and not Souji's face.

Ah, dear Ditch-san, you're the only thing I have left in this world. Even though the world has grown cold and evil, and darkness has fallen over Kyoto… I still have you. See? Here, I can cuddle in your embrace, safe from wind and rain and cow poop. Here, we can hold each other, and close our eyes, and pretend everything is okay.

God, I can still see Souji when I close my eyes.

And I've still got the hiccups…

**Day Fourteen **

There's someone poking my eye. I'm sure there's someone poking my eye. Should I risk opening my eyes? No. Don't. Save my sanity.

But…

Alright, just a peep.

Ohmigawd, it's Souji and an old, wrinkled ball of something.

I'm still seeing Souji everywhere!

Why is that old wrinkled ball poking my eye?

They're saying I'm drunk and delirious! I'm not drunk or delirious! I was drunk… no… wait… hmm… let me think.

God, it hurts to think. I think I'll just try to sleep this off.

**Day Fifteen **

Um… this isn't Hijikata-san, but Okita Souji. Um… yeah, I know this is supposed to be Hijikata-san's diary, but he's in no position to write today. So, I'm filling out for him because I don't want Hijikata-san to commit seppuku because he can't do his Diary Writing Hour.

Eh… well, since this _is _Hijikata-san's diary, I think he would probably say something along the lines of the following.

Damn! Why are Souji and Tet… I mean, Ichimura stuffing foul-smelling, un-candy stuff down my throat? Uh… I don't want to eat it, because medicine tastes horrible all the time!

Oh yes, and this is written permission for Souji to buy a _new litter of pigs_! Yes, that's right! A _new litter of pigs_! I, Hijikata-san, give him permission to take money from my pouch to do so!

Uh… what? Oh… and Ichimura can have the day off to go train in the dojo. Actually, the tea he serves taste great, and he's so obviously a grown-up man now! So I have given him permission to carry a sword!

Well, that's what I think he would say anyway. Medicine-feeding time is over, and I'm off to do patrol now, so bye!

**Day Sixteen **

There are things and there are _things._ I think that the important thing is that there are _things_ because if there were only things then this world would be a seriously disturbing place.

Now, you must be wondering what I'm talking about, but that is a secret which I will not tell either of you, unless you really want to know.

But of course you do.

Now, I must be swift before the spikey-hair demon or the purple-hair demon returns to stand guard over me. If they found out I was telling all the secrets… they will destroy… destroy the world, yes, destroy the world!

So… the secret is… is… is… alas, the spikey-hair demon has returned!

This is Yamazaki Susumu. I was informed by Okita-san that someone needed to come in and do Hijikata-san's Diary Writing Hour for him in order to prevent Hijikata-san having to commit seppuku. Apparently, this was not necessary as Hijikata-san has already, in the spirit of loyalty and determination, carried out much of the Diary Writing Hour.

While most of what he wrote was nonsense due to the fact that he is still feverish and hallucinating (he keeps talking about a spikey-hair demon, but I don't see anyone in the room that fits that description). Needless to say, this show of determination to carry out Kondou-san's orders is the kind of behaviour we must all look up to.

Now, I must go around and try to un-convince people from calling Hijikata-san 'Daddy', though I fear I shall not succeed as Okita-san is far well-versed in the art of persuasion than I am.

**Day Seventeen **

Oh god… the horror! What have I done to deserve this? I know that my life as the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi has probably resulted in a long list of sins, and so I expected to be greeted by all sorts of torture once I died and went to hell.

But I never expected to be put in a scenario where Yamanami is my wife, and Souji and the Three Stooges are my children. Why? Haven't I suffered enough of their rubbish?

I must… I must do something… yes, I _will_ do something!

I must kill them all! Never mind if I will be punished for this! Anything is better than having Yamanami as a wife! Why, I don't even think he can cook! And how on earth did he bear my children? He doesn't even have the proper… at least, I don't think he… oh god, this is a very disturbing topic. Never mind that! I shall destroy that… that thing and all the other things he has spawned!

And right after that, I can go write a haiku.

Yamanami can be a box of straw, Souji can be a piece of sashimi and the Comedian Trio can be the Three Little Pigs.

**Day Eighteen **

The old, wrinkled ball is poking my eye again! Why? Why must you do this to me? Watch as I retaliate! Have a taste of your own medicine, buster!

Um… this is Yamazaki Susumu again. I have decided that for sanity's sake, I shall have to do Hijikata-san's Diary Writing Hour for him. After all, it wouldn't do for him to keep trying to poke out the doctor's eye with his brush.

We are currently at the doctor's now because Okita-san had beaten up Hijikata-san. The doctor is trying to assess how bad the damage is, or at least that is what he says. I suspect he is merely trying to extend the time of our consultation because he charges his fee by the hour. Even _I_ can see that the damage done is terrible. There is not an inch of Hijikata-san that is not soaked in blood.

Oh wait… Saitou-san, who has followed us to the doctor's, wants to write something.

This is Saitou.

There is a very dark shadow floating around you, Hijikata-san. Tomorrow you will be faced with one of the most terrible battles of your life. I shall send a prayer for you to the gods, but you must take care yourself.

Beware the fiery-head demon and the spiky-hair demon.

**Day Nineteen **

They have taken the front door and the side gate. They have crossed the table and are advancing past the half-way line of the room. The beast of fire and the beast of spikes advance. I cannot get out, I cannot get out. I am trapped. They are coming… they are coming…

_I refuse to drink this foul concoction! It is a Choshu ploy to assassinate me! I shall break thy back before I drink this poison! _

…

Why on earth does this tea taste so foul?

Oh wait, it's red. Tea isn't red.

…

I think I just drank the poison.

Oh alas, that I have to live to see the last days of my house! Hereby I perish, and all shall fall! Fall!

Why do I not have an heir to carry on my house? What, have I seduced so many women to my bed only to spring naught a son? Where is the one who shall carry on my bloodline?

Ha ha, Hijikata-_san_! You are a loser, loser, because you lost to me, the great Ichimura Tetsunosuke and a half-ass shinobi! Too bad, Mr Oh-I'm-So-Great-A-Demon-So-I-Can-Torture-My-Poor-Hapless-Page! You lost! You lost!

I am so going to get killed for this.

Ah well.

You lost!

**Day Twenty **

You know how I was complaining about how things never go my way? Apparently, that problem has been fixed. My wish has come true; I now have a son, Okita Souji.

And now that I've got an heir, I am going to kill him in the most terrible way I can think of so god forgive me.

Perhaps, you are wondering why I am so calm at the present. Well, that would be because there is nothing to do but to accept that the boy I have raised is the source of the rising number of lunatics in Kyoto, and it is thus my duty to end this menace before the whole of Japan goes crazy. It is my fate, and all I can do is lament that I have chosen the wrong boy to nurture into a great Shinsengumi captain with a strange knack for knocking the hell out of people.

…

_Oh god, I'm going to kill Souji! Somebody stop me! Stop me before I regret killing the boy! _

No! I must not falter, never falter! If I do not end his life, he will end _my_ life, and it is obvious which the lesser evil is.

Thus he will die, even if it means Mitsu will never sleep with me because I killed her little brother, but that would be a lesser… slightly lesser evil. There is nothing more that can be done about this. I will just write a haiku and everything will be alright.

The wolves bay at the moon. The cub tries to slink away. I strike.

Farewell, Souji; it was nice knowing you.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Um… I'm still continuing this fic, but I'll have to ask for requests as to whose diary you guys want to see because I have no idea myself.

Oh… and I'm writing an OkitaOC story that is a… little different from most OkitaOC stories. Would anyone be interested, because if no one wants to read it, I'll just stuff it into my collection of unpublished fics. Warning though, it's not much of a romance fic... um... it's hard to explain without giving the story away. Anyway, it's a weird fic, like all my fics... and mostly humour... like all my fics... um... yeah. So, if you would be interested, you could tell me too.

Anyway, it's time to leave a review to tell me if you love my fic, or just plain hated it!


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